When I was in high school, I was obsessed with being thin. To the point that I would not eat, for fear that it would make me fat. Even though I knew the models in magazines were fake and airbrushed, I still wanted to look like that. I began a vicious cycle of eating just enough to make it through the day. But what I didn’t know was that there was no way I was eating enough at all. I was a high school varsity swimmer. We had practices every single day after school and twice a day on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s. The french fry I would eat for lunch was not enough to take me through my day at school and swim practice, but I did it anyway. I made sure to eat dinner when I got home. Not only was I starving (literally), but I also didn’t want to draw any attention to the fact that I was not eating.
I was obsessed with food. I was obsessed with weight. I was obsessed with the number on the scale. My worth as a person, in my head, was dependent on what that number was. It wasn’t until I met my husband, that I realized how stupid that was and relaxed. He was the first guy to show me that he cared about me for who I was, not for what I looked like. Since I was no longer competitively swimming, I gained a little weight. But I still looked good. I looked healthy. As the years went by, and after two pregnancies, I’ve put on 100 lbs.
It really hasn’t been until recently, within the last few months, that I’ve really seriously wanted to do something about my weight. But besides losing weight, I wanted to get healthy. I told myself that I was not going to deprive myself of anything…I was going to do this in a healthy manner. I don’t know if I bought it or my husband bought it, but I started making myself Slim Fast shakes. Since I work from home, it’s really easy for me to have my two shakes a day and one healthy meal. Quite honestly, I feel great. I’ve lost some weight since starting the shakes and I’ve started back at the gym. But…
I’m becoming obsessed again. I’m obsessed with drinking those shakes. Afraid that if I drink only one in a day, then real food is going to make me gain weight. I’m obsessed with the gym. Constantly thinking about when I can go, if I can go twice in one day. What I didn’t want to have happened, is happening again. I am focusing WAY too much on weight, food and exercise. On the outside it may look like I am determined and doing well, but I know what is going on inside of me. I know that when I am at the gym and I see that I’ve burned 300+ calories on one of the machines, my first thought is “Sweet! 300+ calories completely cancels out the calories I will put in with one of the shakes and the calories left over will cancel out a snack”. But was I really getting enough calories in a day to fuel my body properly?
To find out, I started using the My Fitness Pal app again to chart my weight loss and the food I eat. I logged every single thing that went into my mouth. Without even calculating the calories I burned exercising, I only consumed 900 calories. Take away the 300+ from exercising and that’s only a 600 calorie consumption in one day. That is not enough.
So what do I do?
I’m still exercising. I go everyday during the week and at least once on the weekend. However, I am forcing myself to have a small snack in between shakes. This way I am getting the calories I need, which means I am fueling my body properly and as a result, I am working towards a healthier me. But what I want to know is, will I ever break that bad habit of obsessing over weight, food and exercise? I’ve had friends tell me that therapy can help that, but I really don’t see how. I mean I know that I’m obsessing about it; I know I may not be consuming enough calories in a day, yet I do it anyway. How will talking to someone change that?
My biggest fear, throughout this whole thing, is that my daughter will pick up on this and eventually be like me. I try my hardest to not mention that I want to lose weight in front of her, but will that be enough?