I am going to say this first…I’m in a mood. This post will most likely stir up some controversy, but oh well.
A friend of mine on Facebook posted an article from The Feminist Breeder blog. I have to say, it’s a pretty good article, however what I don’t like about this whole “Breast is Best” debate is the way some make people who choose not to breastfeed feel guilty about that choice. The great thing about living in America is the fact that we have the RIGHT to make choices that we feel are best for us. We shouldn’t have others trying to make us feel guilty for our choices.
And the bottom line is, breastfeeding is a choice that women have to make. A choice that is best for them, not what is best for the popular opinion around them. I didn’t choose to breastfeed either of my children and that is not something I feel at all guilty about. I knew that I did not want to put the time and commitment into. I spent 9 months giving up my body for my child, something I very willingly did, but I knew that after 9 months of puking my brains out (almost quite literally) every day, I was done. I wanted my body back. Therefore, I choose not to breastfeed. You can say that was a very selfish of me. I can handle that. My kids are very healthy despite the fact that they never got a drop of breastmilk.
The Feminist Breeder tries to make a connection between breastfeeding and car seats. She says:
“You know what else saves lives? Car seats. So, why aren’t people spitting mad at the NHTSA for saying that? Why aren’t they leaving thousands of comments on car seat articles saying “But I just couldn’t afford a car seat, why are you trying to make me feel guilty?!?!” Well, maybe it’s because our society will admit that car seats save lives, and we’re willing to give them out free at fire stations and hospitals if we have to because it is that important.”
I really don’t think you can compare car seats to breastfeeding. Having your child in a car seat is a law. You can’t leave the hospital unless your child is strapped into a car seat. Now I know that she is comparing car seats and breastfeeding because she believes breastfeeding saves lives just like car seats saves lives. And I do agree that in some cases, breastfeeding very much does save lives, but again, breastfeeding is a choice. If when my children were born, there was a reason (in the NICU for example) I should breastfeed, I obviously would have. However, for me, my children were born extremely healthy so my choice of formula feeding from the get go was a good choice for me.
Now I do agree with The Feminist Breeder that women who breastfeed need to be given more support. Just like car seats are given to people who can’t afford them, breast pumps should be given to those that want them, but can’t afford them. Women who choose to breastfeed shouldn’t be made to feel like they can’t breastfeed in public. Women who choose to breastfeed should be given time at work to pump if necessary. I feel that if you want to advocate for something, advocate for those things. Don’t spend the time and energy on making women who CHOOSE not to breastfeed feel guilty. Provide the information so people can make the decisions for themselves without the guilt thrown in.
Now I know that this is a very heated topic. I hope that if you choose to leave a comment, it can be done in a respectful manner and not attacking at anyone else that leaves a comment that may be of a differing opinion than yours.
I agree with you. In some cases, like mine, I was unable to breastfeed my daughter because my milk never came in and then with my son I was very ill after having him so it wasn't possible then either. I've felt guilty about it because of all the pressure etc. But there was nothing I could do to change the fact that it didn't happen for us. I don't think people should look down on others for not breastfeeding, they may never know the entire story.
Good post!
Ok. I didn't breastfeed for that long. It just wasn't for me. I'm a generous E cup so I felt like I was smothering my children. So I pumped for a week or two but I became engorged and it was very painful. Plus I had surgery right after my first pregnancy and I had a C-section on my second pregnancy. It just didn't work out. Don't feel bad AT ALL!
I have never felt guilty that my first two were formula fed. They are both robust and healthy today. The one that was breastfed, not 100%, is the small one who isn't growing as robustly. If I had it to do over I would have done formula from the beginning. I was one of the unlucky mothers to where it physically hurt. I have no regrets though and I nursed him until he was 8.5 months. In this country we have a CHOICE and no matter which way you go, nobody has the right to tell you which to choose. I am sick of nursing nazi's and all the other crap people waste time protesting. Its a recession people. focus on important things like helping others not lose their homes!
What an excellent post! I totally agree with what you have said. I WANTED to breastfeed and the guilt I felt at failing at it both times was enormous. I have no clue why it didn't work. All I know is I did my very best and the milk just wasn't there. And getting advice from well meaning folks only made me feel more guilty 🙁 I think that this is a very personal choice for people and it is a shame that those who choose not to are made to feel guilty about it 🙁
You are soo right it is a choice and no one should shove their Breast or their CHOICE in your face. We cant all Breast feed even if we want to so no one should make anyone feel badly for that!
Great post! I chose to breastfeed my daughter, but that is exactly what it was a choice. Breastfeeding was really tough for me, but for some reason it was important for me. Even so I have many friends who wanted to breastfeed and then chose not to in the end and I supported that.
It's definitely a choice. I chose to breastfeed, and will do so again, but I know that other people's lifestyles aren't as accommodating. It's a commitment and it's NOT easy. I will always encourage people to do their best to breastfeed, but I will not look down on someone who cannot do it.
I agree with you that the focus should be on providing support to women who choose to breastfeed and no one should be made to feel guilty. I think though, that there still does need to be education about the benefits of breastmilk over formula. With that said, there are ways to educate people without guilt-tripping them or being offensive.
I formula fed both my healthy boys…and don't feel guilty…My milk did not come in, what was I going to do? Starve them? Hate this topic.
Great post. I didn't breastfeed my son and I chose not to and I don't feel like I have to give anyone a reason. He is extremely healthy and hasn't really had any problems. You are right it is the mother's choice and people shouldn't feel guilty or be ridiculed because they decide not to do it. In some cases Breast is NOT best if there are illnesses or diseases the mother has.
Great post! Breastfeeding is a very personal choice, and it makes me sad that there's so much judgment around it.
This is a tough topic to blog about, so kudos to you!
I agree with you!! This is one of those debates, like working moms vs SAHM…people are going to pick a side and I don't see why you need to. Decide what YOU are going to do, but don't bring down the others. What works for one person isn't going to work for everyone.
This is indeed a very heated subject. There is a reason some people proudly call themselves "Lactivists" – they feel extremely passionate about breastfeeding.
I think (unless I missed someone) that I am going to be the first one to comment that breastfed both her babies – my daughter for 24 months and my son is 1 year tomorrow and going strong.
That said, I do believe that support – not guilt – needs to be given to women who tried to breastfeeding but ran into too many difficulties/obstacles and could not. I believe that any breastfeeding is so good for the baby, especially the first few weeks.
Since you already said it, I will agree with all the respect in my heart – wanting "your body" back so not even trying – not even pumping – is a tiny bit selfish. I am not calling you a bad mom, but I believe a better choice could have been made. This mindset that formula is just as good as breastmilk is the thinking that ppl like Feminist Breeder are trying to combat. I wish they would have more compassion for those that could not breastfeed and not pass judgement on formula feeders.
But it has been proven that breastmilk has antibodies that formula will never be able to duplicate. Formula is a much needed food for babies that cannot breastfeed but it is not the same. It is for ppl like my friend Darlene who spent 6 agonizing weeks trying to breastfeed with bleeding nipples but could not do it. For working mothers that are not allowed or cannot pump.
As with all other hot topics like this, I love you, I respect you but I politely disagree with you in thinking formula is just as good as breastmilk.
My only problem with this post is that people can't MAKE you feel anything. If you (general) feel guilty for not breastfeeding, that is not someone elses fault, that's an issue you have within yourself.
While I think that breast is best, I do understand that not everyone is game for bfing. My mom did not breastfeed me and I am A.O.K. She honestly thought "it was gross".
I breastfed both of my kids. Jason got 4 months in but guess what, my milk was killing him. He had the milk protein allergy and we didn't know it. He was sick the first 4 months of his life and didn't grow nearly at all. Finally we figured it out and at that point, it was going to take so long to purge my body of all the milk protein that even my very pro bfing doctor said that nutramigen was our best bet. So at 4 months Jason went to formula.
With Spencer when I was 6 months pregnant I purged my body of all milk proteins and maintained a very strict diet for a year and 3 months so he could breast feed without worry of illness. It was HARD!
Don't judge other mothers is all I'm saying.
Lee
I was suggesting that your desire to get your body back so immediately after giving birth and for the first time actually meeting your child could be due to society's influence. If we go back to the beginning when formula become accessible and encouraged to the every day mother this is one of the main benefits touted. Then also with it came things like "Crying it Out" and carrying babies in bucket seats (designed for riding in cars, not being used as carriers) and pushing strollers that face away from mom, etc etc. All of which are incredibly useful tools and have their place but in our society REplaced the roles of holding/feeding babies.
In our society it became almost a feminist act to reclaim our bodies after having children and not be tied down by another human being. In my mind I find it more feminist to be an attached parent whose children individualize themselves when they are ready, because when my children left my body they did not simply become a seperate lifeform immediately. They were more or less an extension of my own heart living on the outside and I wasn't in a rush to sever that connection. Now I am NOT saying that formula feeding or not using a sling severs the connection between mother and child. But I AM suggesting that our society has played into the influence that establishing an immediate independence from mom is the correct thing to do with a newborn and I firmly disagree with that.
Breastfeeding advocates typically advocate a healthy birth as well as whatever other ways mothers can find to help their babies create an emotional attachment with them and the other important people in their lives. There may be a select few that are rude about it but I'd say most just want mothers to do what is best for their kids and trust in their instincts (which our society has influenced us how to forget to do).
I couldn't breastfeed. I wasn't producing enough milk. Seriously – I had drops. What I hate is when people who did BF successfully act like it's your fault when you COULDN'T PRODUCE MILK. Hello – just possibly it's not always technique people … and I am proof not everyone can breastfeed. So lay off advice when my kids are way past boobs and bottles and just fine and healthy.
Very well written. I agree that women who choose not to breast feed should not be made to feel guilty. I tried to breastfeed my son, and when I took him for his two week check-up, the pediatrician asked me to bottle-feed, because I just wasn't producing anything. After two WEEKS of pumping every two hours AND trying to feed him in between, I produced only 2 ounces a day. A DAY! So, I sent back the breast pump, buttoned up my shirt, and gave my son a bottle, and started enjoying the bonding time of holding him while he ate, instead of fretting whether or not he was getting anything. I think that whether you choose breast or bottle or somewhere in between, when you have a brand new baby, you need the support. Not the condemnation from people around you who think their way is the best way. Thanks for writing on a sensitive topic.
Breastfeeding advocates are not insisting that mothers should feel guilty. Period!
We don't think that you have failed or should feel as though you have failed!
We DO however vehemently believe that you have been failed by your support people, whomever that may be.
Your pediatrician/doctor has probably failed you, because they are NOT trained in breastfeeding. I'm not asking you to go back years and years and feel angry about being failed by a health professional, but I do think it's important that women know that peds and most doctors have no business giving any kind of breastfeeding advice and often ruin a nursing relationship that actually could have been saved. It's important for women to know this so that if they know another new mom going through the same issues they did, they don't encourage them to ask their doctor for help.
Furthermore doctors do happen to know quite a bit about formula, and the charts that they compare all our healthy children to are set by the standards of formula-fed children. So this means that when your breastfed child is actually probably thriving, but is small on a chart designed for formula-fed infants, you are made to feel like your milk is inadequate.
Again, this is because you were failed BY a system. IT failed YOU. You did not fail your child. And no, you do not need to be made to feel guilty. But no one can force you to feel anything. Much peace to all, seriously 😀
You said that breastfeeding women just need to "provide information and let women make the choice." What do you think The Feminist Breeder's blog post did? She stated FACTS. Formula-fed babies are 3xs more likely to die from overfeeding, diarrhea, and infection (breastfed babies receive natural immunities and antibiotics). That's fact. By choosing not to breastfeed, you are opting not to give your child the best. (I formula fed my first, by the way, and even I can admit that I was extremely selfish, ignorant, and ignored the obvious health benefits). What baby doesn't deserve to be given the best? I know my kids deserve it. If I can give them the best by simply nursing them (and, yes, after awhile, it is simple. Your comment about the commitment and time consumption are quite inaccurate – my son was done breastfeeding by the time it took my friend to make a bottle) – well, then, life is good.
Assuming formula fed babies is healthy is not an okay thing to spread. Formula fed babies are more than likely constipated, gassy, fussy, overfed, underfed, and/or vomiting. GERD is extremely misdisagnosed because doctors need to find a reason behind infants' puking when, in reality, they're just throwing up because their stomachs can't handle formula.
I strongly suggest the book "The Politics of Breastfeeding" to anyone who actually wants to learn about the decision that goes along with putting your child first and providing them with the safest, healthiest, (and, cheapest) form of nutrition.
I just… I don't even know where to go with this blog. All The Feminist Breeder said is "formula feeding has been proven – SCIENTIFICALLY, MEDICALLY, AND BIOLOGICALLY – to be less safe, unhealthier, and riskier for babies. This is FACT. So, what's the debate about? I know you stated that nursing is a decision that a woman needs to make for herself, but that's not true. It's a decision she needs to make FOR HER CHILD. It's not about her. it's about her baby. And there is no denying what her child deserves.
It is very difficult to read some of your comments because it proves The Feminist's Breeder's point even more clearly.
Only 2-5% of women do not produce enough milk to breastfeed exclusively (but usually still can nurse at least half and half). If a woman truly does have a low supply, supplementing with formula is extremely dangerous.
No doctor can tell a woman she is not making enough milk. And neither can a breast pump.
Pumping 2 oz a day for the first 4 months is EXCEPTIONAL. I would not consider that a low supply at ALL. Especially considering most women only produce 1/3rd of the amount of milk for the pump in comparison to their baby's intake.
This is NOT about making women feel guilty, it is trying to ensure they know the truth incase they are presented with the situation again. It is about demanding that doctors and nurses stop handing out misinformation about nursing.
http://www.breastfeeding.com/all_about/all_about_myths1.html
That has a great list of breastfeeding myths, beginning with low supply, and covering a whole slew of things that WOMEN DO NOT KNOW. It is full of non-guilt-tripping information.
I plead with you all, please read it and take something from it
Thank you everyone for your comments.
For me, I was 23 when I had my son. Breastfeeding was not something I was interested in doing for various reasons. Were they valid reasons? Probably not. But at that time they were the right decisions for me and my child. I say "and my child" because a happy mother is a definite good thing for a tiny baby. Now with that said, if I were to have my babies now at 29, I probably would breastfeed.
My whole point with this post was we as mothers and women need to support each other, even if your decision isn't the same as mine.
I liked quite a bit that the feminist breeder had to say, I just thought comparing breastfeeding which is a choice to carseats which is a law…not really comparable.
Breast is best. Period.
I agree with the Feminist Breeder's over-riding argument that we need to provide information, tools and support if we expect mothers to succeed at breastfeeding. But that's where my agreement with her post ends.
Her statement in bold font "Breastfeeding. Saves. Lives." is not founded upon the research she points to, and comparing breastfeeding to car seats is ridiculous. (I also wrote a post on this too.)I'm with you — it's a choice.
I agree that drawing a parallel between car seats and feeding our infants seems absurd. But consider if it were not legal to use formula unless through a doctor's prescription? Consider what might be different if bottle feeding was not a "choice" but was meant only for emergency situations. Imagine if formula companies were not profit-driven so did not have a vested interest in making sure that these mommy wars keep raging? They even include in their adverts now that breast is best but their product is the "next best thing" and yet spend outrageous amounts encouraging third world countries to use formula instead of the free milk in their breasts. That doesn't sound like a choice to me, not when a representative is likely telling those women that the formula is "cleaner" and has more calories, etc. And don't think the same thing doesn't happen here – misinformed nurses at hospitals routinely encourage bottle-feeding when breastfeeding is having a rough start (as a poster above said, this is detrimental to establishing supply!) . 🙁
And most relevant to this blog post – would you really choose not to use an infant car seat if it weren't law to do so? Think about it. If the LAW did not exist to hold you accountable for the safety of your child, would you still shell out the money to use one, since every parent is quite aware that car seats save lives? Actually, I know many many older children that are not in car seats that should be, and many people that turn their children forward-facing when the law says it's okay, even though there is clear studies proving that babies are infinitely more safe rear facing until the seat's limit. I clearly see the similarities between the two scenarios.
I also have to add that I nursed my first for 6 weeks before returning to work, which is about the time it will often take to get a good nursing relationship going for a first-time mom (but gosh this whole parenting thing takes longer than that to figure out am I right?!). After she was about 8 months I started supplementing with some formula and solids yet also nursing when I was at home. So it's not an all-or-nothing thing 😉
Oh and oh my gosh!!! How do I keep forgetting to say this? I was 18 when I had my first. So I know what it's like to be completely isolated in the parenting world – but I have never used it as an excuse for any parenting I could have done better. I just grew and then did better. Simple as.