I honestly thought this post would be easy to write. The only family member that I wish I could see, talk to, etc is my dad. He passed away almost 7 months ago and not single day goes by that my thoughts don’t drift to my dad. I wish he had more time to be with his family. More time to see his grandchildren grow up. More time to be with my mom. Just more time.
You see, he was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of bladder cancer. The day he started his chemo treatment, his heart stopped. Doctors worked on him for over 30 minutes and they were finally able to get his heart started again. I got to the hospital to see him on a ventilator. That was one of the scariest things I had ever seen. If you have never seen a loved one (or anyone for that matter) on a ventilator, consider yourself lucky. It is nothing like what you see on Grey’s Anatomy.
From that moment on, everything seemed to go downhill. We got him signed up for hospice care, but he never really made it into it. The morning he was supposed to be transferred home, he never made it. My mom called me to tell me to get to the hospital…his breathing had changed and they gave him a few hours. I’ll never forget that day. I was in the middle of the Osh Kosh store buying jeans for my daughter. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. While I knew the time was going to be coming soon, I wasn’t ready for it to be right then.
We raced to the hospital and sat with my dad until he passed. One of his favorite things to watch was the Detroit Tigers baseball team. We turned the game on and my dad held on to the very end of the game. He wanted to hear the Tigers win one last time. And boy did they win. They beat the Kansas City Royals 10-1.
It’s been 7 months and I am really hoping that the day will come that I will be able to close my eyes, think of my dad and not see what he looked like when he passed. He didn’t even look like himself. Not at all.
Cancer sucks. His Cancer sucks.
My heart is breaking for you. I lost my sister to cancer 5 months ago. It is so hard – especially to see them at the end and be there. I am so sorry for your loss. Just remember that God is there for you and you will see your father again. {{Hugs}}
I am SO sorry for you loss. I can’t image how painful that is. Try to think of a time that you laughed so hard with him. Maybe that image will take the place of the other! ((HUGS))
I am so sorry about your dad and I hear you! This takes me to a conversation I’ve had with my husband when it comes to ‘viewing’ someone at a funeral. I don’t want to remember them like that. It seems like the event gets instilled into your head. Death and sickness is so sad for the living and it’s tough. I remember when my mom was placed in a funeral home and was medicated for her dymensia… that scene after not seeing her for a few years is still in my head.
I’m so sorry, I know how it feels to lose a parent…I’ve lost both! Keep the faith!
Leah, I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. I agree with you, CANCER SUCKS!! One thing I can say from personal experience, those images that are burned into your mind right now of how your dad looked then, they *do* fade away with time. There’s nothing I can say to make you feel better right now, but I hope you can take a little comfort/hope in knowing that. There are a lot of things I wish I could go back in time and tell myself when my mom died to let myself know that things would be OK, so I try to give reassurance in small ways to others that are going through that same grief journey. Big hugs to you!
I just had to comment on this. I lost my dad a year and half ago to a sudden heart attack. I had been a daddy’s girl for 42 years. The last year before he died we got into a huge argument over how he was living his life and never spoke again. Actually, we did speak – 4 months before he died he called my sister who I was with shopping and she gave me the phone and my last words to him were that he was pretty much dead to me, and when he died I refused to let him be buried next to our mother. Yeah, I can be a little harsh and stubborn at times, but I was hurting so bad from his actions the year before that was the way I felt at that time – wrong or right as it was. When we got the call he had the massive heart attack, it rocked my world. Of course, we buried him next to our mother and I even planned the funeral. I dream of both my parents very often, but they always look healthy and not sick like my mom was for the 4 years before she died. It does get easier and I pray in time you will be remembering your dad in his healthier days and not in his last days.