Somewhere along the way, self care got watered down. It became candles and bubble baths. Face masks and fluffy robes. Sure, those things are great, but they are only a small part of self care. You see, while those things can be part of your chose to care for yourself, they aren’t the foundation. Real self care doesn’t always feel relaxing. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable; feels like saying no; and sometimes it can feel like disappointing someone else so you don’t abandon yourself. For, you see, self care is not a luxury. It’s a boundary.

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The Problem with “Pretty” Self Care

Bubble baths don’t fix burnout.

A manicure will not fix resentment.

A spa day can’t undo years of over giving of yourself.

Sure, each and every one of those things is fantastic, but they are a fleeting moment in time. When self care is framed only as pampering, it quietly places the responsibility on you to recover from situations that are draining you, rather than change them. True self care asks a harder question:

Why am I so exhausted in the first place?

Boundaries are the Backbone of Self Care

Boundaries are where self care becomes real. They sound like:

• “I can’t take that on right now”
• “That doesn’t work for me”
• “I need rest more than I need to explain myself”
• I’m allowed to change my mind”
• I don’t owe constant access to my time or energy”

Boundaries are meant to protect your mental health, your nervous system, your emotional capacity, and your physical well being. They are not walls meant to shut people out or make them mad (but…spoiler alert…people will get mad). They are filters meant to keep you from pouring out of an empty cup.

Why Boundaries Feel so Hard (Especially for Women)

Many of us were taught that being “good” meant being accommodating, agreeable, available, and/or self-sacrificing. And, as a stay at home mom for the last 21 years, that’s exactly what I have been. So when we start setting up our boundaries, the guilt shows up really fast. But here’s the truth that we don’t hear often enough:

Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong.

Read that sentence again. Shoot, read it as many times as you need to. You see, healthy boundaries will upset some around you. That does NOT make your boundary selfish…it makes it necessary. Go ahead, read that last part again. I’ll wait!

Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your LifeBoundaries with Kids: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy ChildrenBoundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your LifeBoundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships

What Self Care Looks Like in Real Life

Here are a few examples of what real self care might look like:

• Going to bed early instead of pushing through
• Unfollowing accounts that make you feel poorly about yourself
• Saying no to plans you don’t have energy for
• Taking a break from conversations that drain you
• Asking for help instead of powering through
• Choosing consistency over perfection (this is a hard one for me)
• Protecting your mornings, your meals, and your peace

Incorporating these into your life, along with the bubble baths and face masks…absolute bliss!

Self Care is Choosing Long Term Health Over Short Term Comfort

Believe me, I get it. It’s WAY easier to keep the peace than to set a boundary. Shoot, it’s easier to say yes than explain a no. But guess what, no is a complete sentence. Period. When you choose self care, you are choosing long term alignment over short term health. This means you are choosing rest over constant hustle; clarity over chaos; and intention over autopilot. Over and over again.

You Don’t Need to Earn Rest

If there is ONE thing you remember from this post, remember this.

You do not need to earn your rest. 

This means, you do not need to be completely burned out to deserve rest. Justifying your boundaries…don’t need to happen. Ever. And finally, you do not need permission to take care of yourself.

Self care is not selfish. It’s self respect.

Again, as someone that has spent her entire adult life putting the needs of her family first, establishing and sticking to your boundaries is going to hard. But it’s so worth it in the end. Trust me!