Spanx, Patio Chair, and a Pinata Stick

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4 years ago I decided to try on a dress that I wore at my rehearsal dinner.  I had just had a baby 3 months ago and for whatever reason, I felt the need to see if I could still wear that dress (I have no clue…it really isn’t that cute of a dress).  So I put the dress on.  It fit…but it didn’t look great.  I know.  It needed SPANX !  Everything looks better with Spanx, especially the kind that go all the way up to your boobs (it has a little slit in the crotch area to make peeing easier…though I could never bring myself to try it…what if I peed on myself???).  So anyway, I am getting so sidetracked, I started to put the Spanx on.  Now for anyone who has ever tried on Spanx, you know that they are hard to get on.  You have to twist your body into positions you didn’t even think was possible and ban your husband from the room while you put them on.  Let’s face it…if you’re putting on Spanx to smooth things out…those things have to roll up and go somewhere…hubby’s don’t need to see that.

OK.  Again, I’m sidetracked.  But trust me…what you’re about to read is SOOO worth the wait.  As I’m twisting my body into positions I didn’t think I could possibly twist in, I popped my right foot out a little bit.  The next thing you know, I am on the ground, holding my leg in horror.  Horror because I am looking at this odd donut looking thing sticking straight out of my leg.  It took me a minute to realize that the donut was my kneecap.  So here I am, lying on the floor with my bare ass hanging out, Spanx bunched up on my upper thighs, staring at my kneecap.  I was home alone with both kids.  Phone was downstairs.  I did the only thing I could do…I shoved my donut back where it belongs.  It hurt like hell.

This past summer my husband and I hosted our first annual “Bring Your Own Meat” bbq.  It was a blast.  The kids were all running around laughing and playing together.  Everyone was enjoying their food while chatting with each other when all of a sudden, you heard a blood curdling scream (and a few obscenities).  Everyone and I mean everyone, stopped dead in their tracks.  Even the dog.  That blood curdling scream came from me.  My husband pulled a deck chair out to sit down and without realizing it, he set the chair leg right on my ring toe of my left, BARE foot.  It’s a wonder he didn’t chop that toe right off.  It’s been months and months since that party and my toe STILL hurts.

I bet you know what’s coming next, right?  A story about a pinata stick.  My my aren’t you a smart one?!?  Today I stepped into the garage to put dog food in my dogs bowl.  One minute I’m standing in my family room about to step down and the next minute I am sitting on my butt in excruciating pain, holding my ankle.  We’re talking worse pain than my dislocated kneecap incident.  My daughter came running to my rescue with my cell phone.  I called my husband and luckily since he only works 5 minutes from home, he was able to be to me quickly and help me to the car so we could go to Urgent Care.

So how did it come about that I was standing one minute and sitting on the ground in pain the next?  I stepped right off the step onto a pinata stick.  A pinata stick I just yelled at my kids to put away (standing up behind the bottle return garbage can, up against the wall out of the way) that they, instead, threw on the floor in the doorway of the garage.

I am destined to have all stupid injuries.  I just wish for once, if I had to get injured again, it could be for something less embarrassing.  Sure one could say that my knee is predisposed to dislocating because of the shape of the little grove my kneecap sits in (doc actually did say that), but rather than dislocate it while on a treadmill or a hike (if I hiked), I have to dislocate while trying on Spanx.

So the final verdict on my ankle?  It does not appear to be broken…though the radiologist still has to read my scans.  But the doctor did not see anything to indicate a break.  However, I cannot put any weight on my left foot at all so I am stuck wearing a fiber glass splint (basically a piece of cast that hardens to splint around my leg and ankle and then is wrapped with ace bandages) that I can’t put any weight on.  Know what that means?  I have to use crutches.  Now does that sound right to you?  They want me, the girl who gets hurt using Spanx, a patio chair, and a pinata stick to get around using crutches.

See you tomorrow urgent care…