Growing up, I had to work. If I wanted to pay for my car or go out with my friends, I had to actually work for it. I was never once handed a credit card and told to go out and have fun. Do you know what it is like to sit at a pool, watching strangers swim and hope that the man wearing the little Speedo, who shouldn’t be wearing that Speedo, doesn’t start drowning because you do NOT want to be doing mouth to mouth on that dude? I do. Now that I’m a parent, I wouldn’t dream of having my children dread that same thing. So I came up with a list of stellar parenting skills that you should incorporate right now so your children never have to endure the life I had to endure growing up.
 *Please note that this post is meant to be read in a sarcastic tone…
Buy the Latest Fashion Trends
The shoes at the store are not good enough for your child. I mean, Heaven forbid another child shows up at school with the exact same pair your child is wearing. Oh the horror! Any good parent would hand over their credit card and tell their child to make the best, custom Nike’s they can make. Sure you may be eating Ramon Noodles for a month, but that’s OK. Just so long as Junior is walking around in a pair of shoes that not another person on this planet is wearing! And hey, you never know…Nike might like their custom model so much that they decide to put it in production. Better get that credit card out again. Junior needs a new pair!
No Supervision with the Internet
Your child wants his own computer. Sure. That sounds like a good idea. I mean, they are at that age where they will need to be researching for papers and typing those papers for school. They also need a quite room to do their research so be sure to get them their own desk for their room where their brand new laptop can sit. Don’t worry, they will be researching their paper topic at all times. You don’t have to worry about them watching inappropriate videos online. They aren’t interested in those things at all.
Make Excuses for Bad Behavior
Did that other parent honestly have the nerve to say that your perfect child did something wrong? How dare they even suggest that. Definitely let them know that they are mistaken. I mean, you asked Junior about it and Junior said it wasn’t true. If Junior says it’s not true, then that means it’s not true. Also, when a teacher calls home to tell you that Junior is misbehaving in class, blame the teacher. It’s always the teachers fault.
Allow Inappropriate Video Games
Censorship…in my house? Of course not! The ages on the back of the video games are merely a suggestion. By all means, if your kid wants to play Grand Theft Auto and pick up a hooker in the game, by all means, they should be allowed to. You never know when your child may need those sniper skills he’s mastered from hours of playing Call of Duty.
Jump in and Save the Day
Did Junior forget his homework at home? Don’t let him suffer the unnecessary consequences at school. Quick, jump in your car and run it up to him. He’ll remember it next time. Plus, you wouldn’t want his grade to be lowered just because he forgot something. We all forget things from time to time. Things like natural consequences are lessons that “crunchy parents” are trying to teach their kids. Kids have plenty of time for those lessons.
Chores and Allowances
Make a beautiful chore chart and display it on your fridge. Make sure you highlight with Junior exactly what he needs to do to get his allowance at the end of the week. Don’t make things too difficult. When the end of the week comes and you’ve discovered that Junior didn’t complete his chores for the week, cut him some slack and still give him his allowance. I mean, he did most of it, right?
Unlimited Screen Time
Definitely encourage screen time. In fact, set up a contest and see who can get the most screen time in one week. It’s ridiculous what all these studies are saying about kids and screen time. Shoot, we watched hours of television a day and we turned out just fine. Don’t be one of “those” parents that only allows two hours of screen time a day. Those parents must really hate their children.
Remember…this is all for the greater good. We do not want our children to have to grow up working for things they really want. It is far better to hand them everything they want. Happy child = Happy Home!
Great twist on the tips! I’m definitely working hard NOT to raise a bratty child.
These are great tips. It’s amazing how far off base you can get without even meaning to.
I am not a mother but I do know that there is a lack of respect and common courtesy in many of today’s children. My parents would never have let me get away with some of the behaviors I see.
I love this post and the sarcastic tone. Although, I will have to admit I need to limit screen time more.
I was a lifeguard too! But I really enjoyed the three jobs I had guarding, they were pretty sweet. When I was growing up we worked if we wanted money, doing things like delivering newspapers. It’s harder for young kids to make money because many of those jobs are gone now.
Ha!!! Love this Leah!
See how many of these easy ways out you take as a parent. Sure it might avoid some fighting or moping when all of the gifts go to one child, but that’s what birthdays are about — one person’s special day.